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.Thatturned into a very physical, slapping, beating-on-each-other routine.Late in our relationship, when she really had caught me sleepingaround, that sketch had a way of turning a little too violent.She d re-ally throw herself into it.Her whole six-foot Amazon self.She d crackme so hard my head would go boi-yoi-yoing like one of those bobbledolls, and I d see little Amanda Parsons tweety-birds circling beforemy eyes. Ow, baby.You gotta to try not to hit me that hard. Sorry, she d say.But acting suspiciously unrepentant. I wastrying to make it look real. Well, there does have to be some impact for it to look right.Andsometimes you can t totally control the force of the blow.So some-times when I hit her back I d go too far and swell up her face.The odd thing is, we got crazy laughs for that piece.That becameour best-liked piece, because of the violence.Audiences loved it. Ohshit, they re fucking beating each other! People do like to see othercouples beat on each other.It s a vicarious thrill.One time, though, it looked a little too real.Some guys in the au-dience thought I was really beating on her.They ganged up on meafter the performance and were actually ready to beat me up. You can t treat a lady like that, man. That was no lady, that was my Ow. Yep, still clowning around.Still getting my ass beat.But at least itwas proof I was believable delivering my lines.* * *rom all that performing, I got the balls to go be in a real play.AndFI did it in style: Joseph Papp s Public Theater, one of the most Pimps, Hos, Playa Hatas, and All the Rest of My Hollywood Friends 41*prestigious theaters in the country, where people like Meryl Streepand Kevin Kline performed.I did two plays there, wham bam.The first was La Puta Vida,by Reinaldo Povod.Povod was a friend and protégé of the greatNuyorican poet and playwright Miguel Piñero, who wrote the playShort Eyes, which was also made into a film.I m not the biggest fanof Short Eyes.It s about a child molester s tough time in prison,which is exactly what I think he should be having.But I m a hugefan of Piñero as a Nuyorican poet.He broke a lot of ground for Latinsby bringing the language of the street into his art.He was the firstPuerto Rican playwright on Broadway, and it was a smash hit.Andthe movie version of Short Eyes was the screen debut of my friendLuis Guzmán, so it can t be all bad.I must have done all right in La Puta Vida, because right awaythey asked me to be in another play, and it was huge.They askedme to play Puck in A Midsummer Night s Dream.The original Puckdropped out of the production and they were in a bind, but whatever.I was gonna do Shakespeare, baby.I was legit.Sort of.The rest of the cast was awesome: Elizabeth McGovern,Fisher Stevens, F.Murray Abraham, Joe Morton, Lorraine Toussaint.I was the only pissant on the team.My name was so far down at thebottom of the program I was getting orders for printing.But I wasstill legit, right?Now, I had not really done Shakespeare before, and I am not ex-actly a Shakespearean actor.The language was like a foreign tongueto me.I m good with languages and accents and all that, because Igrew up in Queens.I was used to Spanglish, Yiddish, Irish, takeoutChinese, deli-man Korean, Jamaican patois, whatever.But nobody inthe neighborhood spoke Elizabethan pentameter.Nobody went intothe bodega and said, Prithee, I shall haveth yon pack o Bubbliciousor swounds shalt thou feeleth the kiss of my ponyard. Before I stud- 42 JOHN LEGUIZAMO*ied under Lee Strasberg, I tried a Shakespeare monologue when Iauditioned to get into acting classes at Juilliard.It came out so ghettothey rejected me.The night for the critics to come review the show was approach-ing, and the director was so nervous about my performance that heasked the great Joe Papp himself to tutor me in Shakespeare.Pappwas a very interesting character, very patriarchal.Bossy would be thepolite word for him.He was really more of an impresario than a di-rector, and I m not sure how much good his talking to me did.Also, there was the problem that I was still a green idiot and didn treally get what he was trying to tell me.At first he said to me, If you have loved wisely but not too well, ifyou have felt the unkindest cut of all, if you have held the mirror upto nature and asked what s in a name, you are thinking Shakespeare.If you have considered yourself of this happy breed of men, or ofthis sceptered isle when you have demanded your pound of flesh orcalled down a plague on both your houses, you are thinking Shake-speare.If you suspect we are pigeon-livered or believe the play s thething, you are thinking Shakespeare.If you believe music is the foodof love and that you should first kill all the lawyers, you are thinkingShakespeare. And I was like, Huh? I mean, I got some of it.I didn t know what the hell severed aislesor pigeon livers or quarter-pounders of flesh had to do with theater,and I hadn t been around lawyers enough yet to want to kill them all.But I had certainly loved not too well, and I did believe this play wasthe thing the thing that was either gonna make my career or end itquick.I must have looked pretty confused, cuz he tried again. Look, Shakespeare s not like conversation, John.It s heightenedreality.Don t make it so casual.You re not ordering fries at McDon- Pimps, Hos, Playa Hatas, and All the Rest of My Hollywood Friends 43*ald s.Give it passion.Passion! Feel it deeply.Don t be afraid to over-act.Don t be afraid to be too big.Just be. That s when the lightbulb went off.The trick to Shakespeare wasoveracting? Hell, I could do that.I practically specialized in it.Over-acting R Me.I thanked him, and he looked kind of dubious
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